Before I Let Go

Content Warning: This section of the guide discusses the novel’s treatment of child loss, stillbirth, pregnancy complications, depression, and suicidal ideation.

“Improbably—because this, all of this is as out of character for me as a goat tap-dancing—I sink to one knee in front of her, heart skydiving in my chest. Full-on romantic movie proposal posture. I reach up to cup her face, the beveled bones and delicate curves fitting perfectly against my palms.”

Josiah is fundamentally pragmatic, so this excerpt hints at a key aspect of his character along with this glimpse at his early history with Yasmen. The absurd simile introduces a moment of humor during an otherwise serious and loving moment. Josiah’s tender gesture emphasizes both Yasmen’s beauty and fragility. Here, the reader sees only how she is cherished, so the later detail that they are divorced introduces the obstacles their relationship faces.

“Even when things fell apart between Josiah and me, we still had our three babies. Deja, Kassim, and this place, Grits. When we realized those were the only things holding us together, we knew it would be better to dissolve our marriage than to go on as what we had become. Well, I knew.”

Yasmen’s language here underlines her commitment: The restaurant means as much to her as her children. The shift from “we” to “I” demonstrates that she still thinks of Josiah as her collaborator and partner, and she reluctantly admits that the divorce was far more unilateral. Her comment “we still had our three babies” leaves an unspoken gap for the baby, Henry, that they don’t have.

“My ghosts and grief gathered around these tables. A knot of anxiety burgeons in my belly, and panic strangles me so tightly I can barely breathe, but I do what my therapist taught me. Deep breath in, slow breath out. Deep breath in, slow breath out. At first I can only manage tiny sips of air and my head spins, but each breath deepens, lengthens, deploys life-giving calm to my tingling extremities.”

Because her fall in the restaurant led to the placental abruption that killed Henry, Yasmen sees her restaurant as a haunted space. It evokes anxiety and panic and makes it difficult for Yasmen to breathe. The repetition of her breathing invites the reader to join her, narrowing her focus only on her survival. Her ability to breathe through the emotions shows her progress in working through her trauma.