Becoming

As newlyweds, Barack and Michelle almost immediately face a daunting challenge when Barack’s book contract is canceled and he owes the publisher $40,000. Barack decides to resolve the problem by secluding himself in a cabin across the world, which Michelle supports but also struggles to accept. This decision causes Michelle to reflect on her role as a wife and eventually mother, referencing the various models she has had in her life: Marian, her colleagues Susan and Valerie, and TV wives/mothers like Mrs. Beaver and Mary Tyler Moore. These women all represent disparate versions of wifehood and motherhood, ranging from women who sacrifice their own wants and needs to put family first, to women who try to find a work/life balance with varying levels of success.

As a girl, Michelle idolizes Mary Tyler Moore as a “goddess” for representing the path someone could take to “grow into something more than a wife” (172). However, as an adult, Michelle also recognizes the gift of love Marian put into raising her family: “[…] she’d given diligently and she’d given everything. She’d let our family define her” (172). Both these options have their merits and their pitfalls, and Michelle struggles to determine how she wants to navigate these roles and choices. Michelle muses, “I wanted to have a work life and a home life, but with some promise that one would never fully squelch the other” (173).

Michelle’s dilemma is a common one that many women face in their lifetime, trying to determine the balance between their own identity, goals, ambitions, and the desire for a family with its inherent demands and needs. This decision for women is one that might have evolved but hasn’t completely gone away, with many women still facing the same challenges that Michelle describes encountering in the early years of her marriage. By explaining her own struggle with her readers, Michelle offers insight into the factors that impacted her choices, though she also makes clear that these choices will be different for every woman depending on her individual needs and circumstances.

In Chapter 13, Michelle continues this conversation about the struggles of womanhood as she tries and fails to become pregnant. Both Barack and Michelle desire to start a family, but Michelle soon realizes “the acute burden of being female” (188). While Barack and Michelle have a loving, progressive marriage in many ways, Michelle still shoulders most of the weight of trying to have children. Her body must undergo a miscarriage, in vitro fertilization treatments, “daily ultrasounds” to monitor her eggs, “a cervix inspection” (188), and pregnancy and delivery. Barack, on the other hand, gets to continue with his routine, with just a few minor adjustments. For Michelle, who has always wanted equality in marriage, this imbalance is confusing and frustrating: “None of this was his fault, but it wasn’t equal, either” (188). She notes further, “It was me who’d alter everything, putting my passions and career dreams on hold, to fulfill this piece of our dreams” (188-89).

While Michelle doesn’t consciously blame Barack for this discrepancy, she finds it difficult not to resent him for the differences in the roles that they fulfill. Michelle doesn’t shy away from the frustrations she feels, and she doesn’t offer a quick solution, either; many women also undergo this same process, and Michelle makes clear that she understands these struggles and doesn’t want to downplay them. However, Michelle finds some personal resolution when she finally gets pregnant and realizes some of the benefits of sacrificing her body to the shared goal of having children: “He was on the outside, while I got to live the process. I was the process” (190). Michelle forms a special bond with her child that Barack misses out on during her pregnancy, only viewing it from an outside perspective; though Michelle puts in more of the work, she realizes that she reaps more of the reward.

Once Michelle becomes a mother, she learns that there are further challenges that await her as a woman. In Chapter 14, Michelle struggles to balance her role as a mother with her desire to work and continue making a change in the community. Michelle initially works part-time, hoping this decision will give her a good balance; instead, Michelle feels pulled in two directions, explaining, “Part-time work was meant to give me more freedom, but mostly it left me feeling as if I were only half doing everything, that all the lines in my life had been blurred” (192). Michelle also struggles with taking on so much of the burden of parenthood while Barack in many ways gets to continue with his daily routine. Though Michelle supports Barack and his ambitions, she also resents the sacrifice required on her part: “I now knew enough to understand that politics was never especially kind to families” (204). Michelle has idealized two different versions of womanhood—her own mother, and the working-woman Mary Tyler Moore—but she begins to learn that she must find her own balance as a wife and mother.

Michelle’s group of mom friends allows her to see that there are many different types of parenting, and “no formula for motherhood” (200). What works for one person might not work for another. When Michelle learns to prioritize her own needs, she begins to succeed much better in all aspects of her life: in her marriage, her relationship with her children, and in her career. Michelle learns to demand what she needs out of her job, rather than hoping the job will shape itself to her needs. She also begins making her schedule the priority, rather than resenting Barack for not making more time for her and the girls. Though others must adapt in part to help her achieve these desires, Michelle learns the power of demanding what she needs out of life rather than waiting for it to simply happen to her.