Bad Mormon

Bad Mormon is a memoir by American reality television star and businesswoman Heather Gay. Best known as a cast member of Bravo’s The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City, Gay is also the co-owner of a medical spa services company in Utah. Bad Mormon details Gay’s early life in the Mormon church, her time as a missionary in France, her failed marriage and life as a single mother, and her experience being cast on a reality television show. Major themes in the book include The Strictly Prescribed Roles for Women and Girls Within the Mormon Faith, Expectation Versus Reality in Mormon Marriage, and The Importance of Self-determination.

This guide refers to the 2023 Gallery eBooks edition.

Content Warning: The source text and this guide mention suicide and abuse.

Note: This summary follows Gay’s practice of using the word “Mormonism” to refer to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints and “Mormon” to refer to its adherents for the sake of brevity. As the title suggests, Gay is no longer an active member of the Mormon church. The book reflects her personal perspective on the church, and therefore contains a number of criticisms of the church and its practices.

Summary

In the rologue, Heather Gay reveals that she chose to join The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City because she knew it would offer her a way out of her dissatisfying life. Born into a devout Mormon family, Gay was raised believing that Mormonism was an all-American way of life, a stark contrast to the rigid and old-fashioned religions she saw others practice. Her parents raised her to be compliant, useful around the house, and a faithful evangelist of the Mormon church. Although she sometimes resisted their teaching, she loved the church and feeling helpful. Her first hint that Mormonism was not a universal way of life was when an opposing soccer coach made fun of the undergarment Gay’s father wore.

Gay’s early attempts to push against church teachings as she aged were quickly shut down. She followed her mother’s example to be submissive, and not to question church practices that she viewed as strange. Although she acted out occasionally and was uncomfortable with the church’s prying questions about her sexuality, Gay longed to be a wife and mother, and recommitted to her faith as she graduated high school. As a student at Brigham Young University, Gay founded a successful business, but was encouraged by her family to focus on her personal life. Single and unsure of what to do after graduation, Gay agreed to serve a mission with the church when her best friend’s mom felt called to sponsor the trip. She was assigned a mission in the south of France, and took the prime posting as evidence that God was on her side.

Before leaving for her mission, Gay was endowed in the sacred Mormon temple ceremony. Although confused by the esoteric ceremony in which she was taught sacred phrases and hand signals, Gay decided that if her friends and family could accept these ceremonies without question, then so could she. At the Missionary Training Center, Gay developed a close relationship with a free-spirited instructor, who was then fired. As a teen, she blamed herself; she later learned that he was likely fired for being gay. In Marseille, Gay initially struggled to keep up with the grueling pace and strict rules of missionary life. Missionaries were encouraged to kneel and pray within a minute of entering a home; while sometimes successful, this practice also resulted in a great deal of embarrassing rejection. Gay was a uniquely successful missionary, converting 16 people during her 18-month mission.

After her mission, Gay moved to Huntington Beach, California, where she met Billy Gay. The heir to a publicly traded company and born into Mormon royalty, Billy represented the ideal candidate for a husband. Although a small part of her wanted to wait, Gay accepted Billy’s proposal after just three months of dating, and the pair were wed in July 2000. On their honeymoon, Gay realized she had nothing in common with her husband. When they entered marriage counseling shortly after their honeymoon, she realized their marriage might not last. Although Gay devoted herself to being the ideal Mormon housewife, Billy resented the expectation that he provide for his new family, longing for his days as a free-spirited surfer and filmmaker. The birth of their first daughter, Ashley, offered Gay the emotional satisfaction she’d been lacking, but the birth of two more daughters in quick succession proved overwhelming for Billy. Despite her best efforts to preserve the marriage, a dispute about Ashley’s baptism led to a fight the couple could not resolve, and Billy moved out.

At first, Gay assumed Billy would return. When he began to go out with single friends, however, she decided to do the same. As she grew more independent, focusing on building a reputation as a photographer, Billy began to visit the house more frequently. Gay changed the locks to their home in protest. When it became clear that Billy did not plan to return home permanently, Gay refused to let him in the house, and Billy became violent. When Billy finally filed for divorce, Gay drank and dated wildly to numb the pain, earning a reckless driving charge. She re-devoted herself to the church but was repeatedly told to stay with Billy by both church leaders and her family. The stress of the divorce led Gay to be diagnosed with Bell’s palsy, which she interpreted as a sign from God that she needed to live her life not for the attention of men but for herself and her daughters.

After the divorce, Gay founded a medical spa company offering Botox and other beauty treatments. Her work introduced her to future RHOSLC co-stars Lisa Barlow and Meredith Marks, who were in talks with producers interested in developing a show. As producers interviewed Gay, she grew increasingly excited about the independent, single version of herself she was pitching. When the show was picked up by Bravo, Gay took it as an opportunity to fully embrace her new identity as a non-practicing Mormon. The death by suicide of her business partner’s brother just days before filming began convinced Gay of the necessity of using her platform to openly criticize the Mormon church. Gay suggests that the Real Housewives community has replaced the community she found in the church, as her castmates and people the show has brought into her life celebrate, mourn, and live life with her daily.