Bad Feminist

In this list, Gay offers advice for friendships between women. The first few items revolve around letting go of myths and stereotypes about female friendships, such as the idea that women are inherently toxic and competitive. She also advises that women friends be honest with another about dating and their feelings about each other’s partners. This includes holding oneself accountable for being the friend with the bad partner.

Good female friendship also looks like being happy about friends’ success and happiness, which means not emotionally dumping on them. She warns against tearing other women down professionally and advises that women be honest about gossiping rather than acting like they never do it if they do. Loving friends’ children is also a requirement for good, genuine friendship.

Gay emphasizes honesty, both with friends about themselves and about oneself to friends. An important caveat is that honesty doesn’t require being brutal. She also emphasizes discernment in terms of whether or not certain acquaintances are safe to be around during moments of vulnerability, as well as patience with friends during their moments of drama, hardship, and vulnerability. She concludes with a warning to be mindful of the company one keeps.