Atlas of the Heart: Mapping Meaningful Connection and the Language of Human Experience

In this chapter, Brown explains seven places we go when things don’t go as we plan them. The first state is boredom, which Brown defines as “the uncomfortable state of wanting to engage in satisfying activity but being unable to do it” (40). Brown states that boredom leaves us feeling lethargic when we have the agency to overcome our boredom but irritated when we don’t have that agency. Brown encourages the idea that boredom is not a bad thing but an opportunity to be creative.

Next, we can feel disappointment and regret when things don’t go the way we thought they would, which often contributes to our vulnerability and shame. Brown defines disappointment as “unmet expectations” (43). Our expectations can be unexamined and unexpressed “stealth expectations,” which Brown warns are “the most dangerous and often turn into disappointment” (43). Brown uses the example of her and her husband having expectations for how much they would get done in a weekend. When those expectations are unexpressed and then unmet, it leads to bickering. When they are communicated and examined, they can be more realistic. Brown encourages us to express and examine our expectations, even if it feels vulnerable.