A Confession

Tolstoy relates that he was raised as an Orthodox Christian in Russia and trusted what his elders taught him about faith until age 18 when he lost his faith during his second year of university. The teasing of his ultrareligious brother Dmitri by his peers and elders taught him that if the formalities of faith were observed, like learning the catechism, it was unnecessary to take faith too seriously.

The author explains that the loss of faith happened the same way for him and others of his “social and cultural type” (14): the faithful live out their lives according to principles that are directly opposed to the teachings of their faith, so the teachings become increasingly foreign and irrelevant. Tolstoy writes that people who are avowed Orthodox Christians are generally less moral than nonbelievers.

Tolstoy’s belief in God and Jesus Christ continued after he stopped actively practicing religion, but the nature of his belief was unclear. His only true faith from the age of 16 was a “faith in perfection” (17), which involved studying and exercising to achieve moral and physical fitness. This effort evolved into a desire for perfection in the eyes of other people and, eventually, “a longing to be stronger than other people, that is, more renowned, more important, wealthier than others” (17).