8 Rules of Love: How to Find it, Keep it, and Let it Go

Part 3 considers the ashram of Vanaprastha, when couples “reflect on [...] loving others, discover what blocks our ability to love, and work on forgiveness and healing” to find bhakti, “a deepening of love” (165). It covers ways to handle conflict, major relationship problems, and breakups to strengthen relationships.

Shetty once overheard an argument while at a restaurant, and he recalls this at the beginning of Rule 6, which tackles conflict and its necessity in a relationship. He contends that “partners who avoid conflict don’t understand each other’s priorities, values, or struggles. Every couple fights—or should” (168). Many people think that a “perfect” relationship means not arguing at all, but Shetty posits that people should actually argue frequently so that problems don’t escalate. They should address an argument as a “team” and perceive it as a mutual problem, and he provides an exercise for doing so. He cites research on the healthy communication of anger and how it improves traits and skills like compassion, empathy, patience, communication, listening, and acceptance (171). He also delineates the differences between abuse and conflict.

This chapter details three areas of conflict that most couples have (money, sex, and parenting) but adds that every day, milder arguments also occur.